you don't know how much it hurts

i live in misery.
today i was so tired, sick of the arrogant attitude of ugly Malaysians, sick of their ignorance about the importance of punctuality. my productivity time was greatly consumed by selfish individuals whose lives reigned by hedonism-- their insatiable thirst for worldly enjoyment drove me up the wall.

As if money grew in their pockets.

I was on the verge of a severe emotional breakdown, and i certainly did breakdown. My heart was burning. I traveled back to the past, back when I was an insecure, shallow and sensitive young lady, searching for attention, appreciation and respect. I was foolish. I did stupid things. Unassuagable guilt compelled me to repent, and I changed. But they brought it back. They ruined everything.

I can't remember- but my mind could not, (or perhaps, a more appropriate word, should not) conjure any nostalgic memories. Did i step out, did I endeavor to fit myself in their social circle? Was there an empty slot which could fit my volatile temperament? Was it a thick sense of obligation monitoring the relationship?

It hurts everytime i think about it. The feeling is bitter.

I live in ignorance- I don't want to know how they are, where they are or if they ever existed.

But do they sense the hostility? Do they sense the gap between? Time has made it deeper and wider, and this is the fact I am trying to ignore.