you don't know how much it hurts

i live in misery.
today i was so tired, sick of the arrogant attitude of ugly Malaysians, sick of their ignorance about the importance of punctuality. my productivity time was greatly consumed by selfish individuals whose lives reigned by hedonism-- their insatiable thirst for worldly enjoyment drove me up the wall.

As if money grew in their pockets.

I was on the verge of a severe emotional breakdown, and i certainly did breakdown. My heart was burning. I traveled back to the past, back when I was an insecure, shallow and sensitive young lady, searching for attention, appreciation and respect. I was foolish. I did stupid things. Unassuagable guilt compelled me to repent, and I changed. But they brought it back. They ruined everything.

I can't remember- but my mind could not, (or perhaps, a more appropriate word, should not) conjure any nostalgic memories. Did i step out, did I endeavor to fit myself in their social circle? Was there an empty slot which could fit my volatile temperament? Was it a thick sense of obligation monitoring the relationship?

It hurts everytime i think about it. The feeling is bitter.

I live in ignorance- I don't want to know how they are, where they are or if they ever existed.

But do they sense the hostility? Do they sense the gap between? Time has made it deeper and wider, and this is the fact I am trying to ignore.

tear me into pieces, so that i can roam in more places.

MATAHARIANS: WHAT HAPPENED TO US?

2 Matahari of 2008
3 Matahari of 2009
4 MATAHARI of 2010

What I noticed recently---ALL of us are busy.

Some are busy, some are extremely busy, some are losing their sleep.

A lot are not in class. It's always like that. I see empty chairs, despite there were bags on it.
All of us are so busy, running up and down the whole school. Ko-ko, this that and many excuses.

When we were in form two, it wasn't like that. All of us were in class. Very little walking in and out. When one person cried, so many people cried together. When one person cracked a joke, everybody laughed.

Then, all this prefect stuff barged in. So many Mataharians started to be involved in school politics. Half of the class just wiped out bafore and after recess. Then there's pengawas nilam. Pengawas koperasi. 3 quarters of the class were involved in politics.

Now things are worse--- KRS, this club that club, this sport that sport, even I myself am busy with Koko. Jokes are seldom shared together-- as in together, everyone in the class.

What happened? A teacher once commented that our class was power crazy. It's like without Matahari, the whole school will malfunction.

I guess this is the fate of Mataharians.

exams

5 MINUTES BEFORE CHEMISTRY EXAM STARTS
TEACHER: three students are missing. where are they?

STUDENTS IN CLASS:
Due to excessive consumption of H₂O, they are now excreting CH₄N₂O (urea), which has a molar mass of 60.06 g mol^−1.

5 MINUTES BEFORE BIOLOGY EXAM STARTS
TEACHER: three students are missing. where are they?

STUDENTS IN CLASS:
Cellular metabolism generates numerous waste compounds, many rich in nitrogen, that require elimination from the bloodstream, so their kidneys have to extract the soluble wastes from the bloodstream, as well as excess water, sugars, and a variety of other compounds and store the waste products in the urinary bladder. As their urinary bladder is too full, they need to excrete urine through the urethra by urination.

5 MINUTES BEFORE PHYSICS EXAM STARTS
TEACHER: three students are missing. where are they?

STUDENTS IN CLASS:
The distance form the toilet to the class is 20 meters, if they travel to the tolilet and back to class again, their displacement will be zero. If the time taken for them to reach the toilet from the classroom is 5 seconds, their velocity is 4 m per s. If they sprint all the way from the toilet back to class, you'll see the beauty of possessing agility and youth. If they unfortunately bang into the headmaster, you'll see the beauty of physics.

5 MINUTES BEFORE MORAL EXAM STARTS
TEACHER: three students are missing. where are they?

STUDENTS IN CLASS:
Mereka tidak dapat sabar dan mengawal diri kerana terlalu banyak air kencing. Oleh itu, mereka tidak mengamalkan nilai toleransi.

hols

A QUESTION I DON'T WANT TO HEAR AGAIN. EVER.
first she asked where did i stay, where were my parents. i answered my parents were not with me. then she asked me another question. her tone was casual, but boy, it was offensive.

hey people!!!

now you have a gluttonous holiday, it's my turn to tell my story.

new year holidays are hectic. well, hectic only for those rushing back to their hometowns. Me? i prefer to stay in KL, where everything is so quiet and serene.

The Grand Blue Wave hotel in Shah Alam had been busy the last three days, as the CNY conference was held there. I arrived The Grand Blue Wave on Monday (after a tiring 30 minute flight in the morning) with my friends.

Attending the CNY conference is something you can't screw, and it's not a place you can flaunt your LV handbag. I had been avoiding my old acquaintances, looking at the other direction as I felt their eyes were on me. Skipping all those cliched hello-how-do-you-do conversations wasn't hard. I was not anticipating a reunion, which will probably lead to heart wrenching goodbyes and "aw, i'm gonna miss you" hugs. Disgusting!

Yesterday (was it?) a woman who sat next to me during the conference asked me a question:
"are you married?"

i was horrified, mortified but not glorified. you i*oit, can't you tell that i'm still schooling! how degrading! people say that i look physically older than my biological age, but not that old!

As a civilised person, i had to maintain my dignity. I answered "no" politely, but i was fuming inside. I'm not going to bring my sister out shopping again, in case anyone asks me if i were her mother. If it happens, I'll break down and the whole KL will be flooded.

children are a pain. they always are. those rebellious brats can't keep still and yet some still adore them. I had to serve the children that night, surprisingly not that chaotic, but i was like a phantom haunting the room, as i had no idea what to do.

while i was still pissed of the oh-i-think-you-are-married-but-i-don't-see-a-ring-on-your-finger-don't-tell-me-you-accidentally-threw-it-in-the-incinerator event, this girl (not a child) came up to me and asked:
"do you know english?"

SARCASTIC ANSWER:
是, 我 不 会 英 文, 但 是 我 从 小 接 受 英 文 教 育, PMR 与 UPSR 时 还 在 英 文 科 里 拿 到 A
!!!!
yes, i don't know english, but i was English educated since young, and i scored an A in English in UPSR and PMR!

like i was thirsting for abasement that day!

-----------take a deep breath-------------------------

"yes". I didn't yell my sarcastic answer at her, but i was tempted to. she better not try to talk to me the next time i'm in a bad mood. I'll ask her:

"hey, you know how to talk, WOW!"

insomnia

hey bu4ians, holidays are way over and assignments are calling out for us! i know, i know, it's so hard to fall asleep when anxiety grips your mind.

why i can't sleep? here's why

one. i have a math question in my head . yesterday i can't sleep because there're this math question i can't solve

4 mataharians, you guys should know which question. the question about some cyber club going on a trip. i find the question very confusing (page 39, form 4 mod math text book, the 9th question)

i found the answer, but i'm not sure whether my method is correct. the method i used is quite similar to the 6th question.

if you don't get me, i used a bit of the concept of function.

two. my neighbor's dogs. my brother actually thought there were cats and dogs. but not, there are only dogs. why can't my neighbor's dog tolerate with its own species? stupid dog.

i tell you, the dogs are crazy. there're even worse the little brats. they fight every day. wonder why the dogs have not fought to death yet.

three. guilt. (okay i confess) i skipped the church meeting today cause i was lazy, plus the youths from klang valley will be there, and it'll be quite big.

i have not be attending saturday youth meetings lately. can't blame my cousins for deciding to have their wedding days on saturday nights. sigh. this is bad.

don't you just WISH for the CNY hols to come?

buzz

In cousin's house now. I overslept last night, leaving tons of assignments undone. all thanks to my cousin's wedding--- let me see-- which cousin? i don't know. What a huge failure i am.

THIS YEAR, I WILL BY ALL MEANS HELP GREEN HOUSE to get AT LEAST the second place .
I will sacrifice my sleep if i have to. dedication, people! we have to get the juniors into action!!!

besides bearing sleep deprivation, i'm ready to bid my ipod goodbye. GOODBYE PUSHING DAISIES AND BEYONCE! My brain cells will have to go through another torment-- let's see how much brain juice i can squeeze out this time.

about the new found charity club this year-- geez, it's so difficut setting up a club, and i'm going through ups and downs lately. the only option left is the proposal. is there anyone out there willing to share some ideas with me? i wonder, what's an ideal club supposed to be like? what type of activities appeal to the youngsters today? i need your opinions. feel free to critisize or comment.

PI-ANG. whoopeedo. who did it?

2009 is almost over.... and let me see, HOW MANY new year resolutions i broke?
let's revise my 2009 new year resolutions....

1.Don't fall in love!-BROKEN. I was in love with wu chun, but i'm over him now. seriously.




2. Stop shaking legs while eating-at least i saved this. they say that only perverted people do that.


3. Microsoft is slow... Streamyx is slow... yeah so DON'T BANG THE INNOCENT KEYBOARD even though the computer hangs or...or ....(jeez) God-knows-what-will happen.- my hands are merciful. keyboard, you have had a lovely year. but i can't guarantee you another lovely year since you have been pms-ing lately .

4. Stop playing clubpenguin- i have already grown up, and i'm sick of bullying penguins

5. Try to like cats- still scared of them. but i didn't kick the canteen cat. i was, and am still nice to it.

Last one.... My darling rabbit, Gillian
I don't think my rabbit knows it's own name-- Gillian 'Gilliande' Francis Light Obama-Bush Danney Humphrey Lee. You may think it is not necessary because it's an old rabbit, but hey, you don't wanna die without knowing what's your name, right?
- broke this resolution, my rabbit does not give a fur about it's own name.